Men who prey on vulnerable women

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Perhaps you are a victim of blind love yourself. Maybe you thought you had finally found your love match only to realize much later, many heartaches and agonizing nights later, that Mr. Wonderful was not so wonderful after all. In fact, he was pretty much like that other awful man you thought was your true love, or the past beau you felt you could not live without but had to when he left you for that other woman.

Most times it is not just bad luck that steers women to the wrong man time and time again. Sometimes the pattern of loser-lovers is indicative of a deeper, more serious flaw in the woman’s personality or character. Or the problem may stem from the woman’s family history. And it usually is rooted in lack of self-esteem and self-love. In addition, far too many women blindly get involved with man after man without stopping to assess what went wrong in previous relationships. Many women do not evaluate themselves or their relationships; consequently, they do not recognize the similarities that attract them to certain types of men.”

When a woman repeatedly chooses the wrong man, those bad choices attempt to fulfill “needs” that sometimes go back to the woman’s childhood, back to the time when she was not capable of analyzing the information at hand. Women who grow up and see their mothers in bad relationships, or grow up with fathers who are abusive, alcoholic or addicted to drugs, as children they watch these situations and think of ways their mothers should resolve the problem. When they grow up themselves, they select men who are very much like their fathers. When they grow up in abusive families, they marry men who are abusive because they want to change the man. They tell themselves, `I can do what mommy was not able to do.’ They are influenced by childhood fairy tales, in which, the prince rescues the damsel in distress, and they believe they will live `happily ever after.’ They believe that you can take a frog, or a man with negative characteristics, and kiss him, and he will turn into a prince or, rather, the man of their dreams.

Women who are unable to sustain romantic relationships almost always had fathers who could not be counted on, or who were emotionally or physically unavailable when they were growing up. A loving mother is not enough to offset those difficulties.

A missing father can mean a lifetime search for daddy figures in every romantic endeavor. Too many girls grow up not being affirmed by a man, not knowing what it’s like to be nurtured, protected or acknowledged by a paternal figure. As women, we often seek love and closeness in dysfunctional relationships, tolerating distant, non-nurturing men who exhibit behaviors similar to those in their absent or fantasized fathers.”

Another reason women repeatedly get involved in bad relationships, is that women often feel they can change the man. We as women assume responsibility for the relationship and feel that we must make it work. But women don’t realize that we cannot control relationships or the actions of another person. You can’t make a man do one thing or another. we can’t make a man love us. We keep getting into negative relationships thinking that we can change the man and make it work. We think we have that power in a relationship, but we don’t.”

We often find ourselves in such circumstances because society puts the burden of maintaining the relationship or marriage on the female. In everyday social interactions we continue to hear comments such as “She let her man get away” when in fact the woman never had him, or perhaps he lost her. By the same token, many abused women believe they did something wrong and that is why they are abused.

Along those same lines, women continue to select men who are all wrong for them because they are looking for the wrong qualities in a man. Far too many women consider priorities to be good looks, money and material assets. However, those elements do not speak to a man’s character or caring or ability to give love. Invitation to: “A Cup of Coffee”, laments the fact she cannot “find a gentleman,” but had she been introduced to a Nubian Brother, there would not have been a reason to invite three men over for “A Cup of Coffee” with hidden agendas/wrong intentions…that “Warranty Un-Wanted Advances.” Some women is attracted to what we call “bad boys,” men who are flashy, who are players, men who expect women to be at their beck and call but offer little in return. That is the kind of man some women have been in hurtful relationships with in the past, but they refuse to see the error in their priorities.

Some women are confused about what love really is and what a good relationship should entail. True Love…My Love. For the most part, women feel that men should be strong and independent.

Relationship therapists point out that when a man demands to know “where have you been?” and “what have you been doing?” women often misinterpret that as love and caring. Come on my sisters, we aren’t allowed to ask them those questions…”where have you been?” “Where are you”, “Are you with another woman?” We are told “Don’t you go there!” We don’t evaluate men, and we make decisions without analyzing the situation to determine that such is not healthy behavior. “When a man tells you that you shouldn’t do such and such a thing, we think that is love. We gravitate toward men who are strong and controlling…Controlling-Ass Women…are there “Controlling-Ass Men?” We have in our heads an image that is what a man should be. I say…HELL NO! Does that behavior supposedly indicates that a man is strong, which is supposed to be a positive quality… HELL NO! again. But it’s all about control.” Yet, men who are “nice and polite,” those who treat women with respect, often are not appreciated by women who have a fatal attraction to the wrong kind of man.

•He says all the right things at the right time. It is hard to think someone is scum when they are telling you that you are pretty, you are smart, and that they really, really like you. A smooth talker can make you believe that even your closest friends are wrong.

•He does small things that make you think he cares. However, if you start to notice, these small gestures do not really cost him anything.

•He is good in bed. Yes, sometimes great sex is all it takes for a man to keep a woman with him even when she knows the man is not right for her.

•He is good looking. We should know better than to judge a book by its cover, but sometimes, it is really nice to be in the arm of a man who turns heads. Who does not want to have the hottest boyfriend around? But there is more to a relationship than looks.

•You do not want to be the only single one in your group of friends. If everyone else is married or seeing someone, you do not want to feel left out or be the third wheel.
•Your friend set you up on a blind date, and now you feel like you owe it to them to keep dating him.

•You are thirty (or some other magic age) and feel like it is time to settle down. Do not let age define you, and do not settle for someone just because you feel like you should be married.

•You do not think anyone else is interested. Again, this is a very bad excuse for staying with someone. Do not let yourself fall for someone just because you do not think there is someone better out there.

•Being with someone who is not quite right is better than being alone. Do not let yourself think this — you deserve to be with someone who makes you completely happy.

•He is not right, but I can change him! Oh, sweetie no, you really cannot change him even if you tried. If he is wrong for you, he is wrong for you. Move on before you find yourself so far into the relationship that your heart will be broken when he finally dumps you for the next new skirt he comes across.

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